It's been hard for me to look at photos of Norah
Hard to look at photos before her diabetes diagnosis and see my happy, fully healthy girl and remember those days.... when life wasn't consumed by finger pokes, test strips, pump injections and the constant worry of life or death in the back of my mind.
I can see her health!
It's even harder to see photos of her when she was sick and I didnt' realize it yet. It actually horrifies me....how could I not have known?!?! Little Norah must have just felt so terrible on the inside. I just get a huge pit in my stomach and want to wipe it all away.
I have never known this type of grieving process~the loss of a healthy child, one that so many parents have experienced, one that I did not know how deeply it would affect me, and change me.
I look back and can see the affects of diabetes in Norah's life in Decemeber of 2013, I just see it in the photos, I can see the weight loss, I see something different... she was not well.
I didn't know it at the time, but she was also loosing hair, one of the many affects of high blood sugar
Her hair is growing back in a now
a whole new layer
and it's reminds me of just how sick she was and that I didn't know
Somedays I don't know how I will ever forgive myself, or if the pain of seeing those pictures will go away, or if when I mess up treating Norah's blood sugar how the Lord will make up for all the damage I feel I am doing to her body. All I know is that the Lords Grace is sufficient and He guides me each day. He forgave me a long time ago when He hung on that cross and died. and although I have messed up over and over He can overcome my mistakes,
He is God after all