Sunday, January 30, 2011

Letters: # 1

Dear Maya,

You have such a special place in our hearts because you were our first born..........nothing can change that.  From the moment we found out we were pregnant we were filled with so much joy and love for you!  Our hearts have forever been change......

I knew you were a girl, all along, especially after your grandma Fran died.  I just knew that God had given us a girl.   You were a source of joy in the midst of so much sorrow.   You have part of Fran's name "Rose,"  so that we will never forget Fran, and so that you will always know you have a part of your grandmother with you.  I am so sorry that you will not get to met her on earth, I mourn not just for our loss, but for yours......

I will never forget the first night we brought you home.  We were exhausted from our time at the hospital, but neither of us could fall asleep because we were sooo excited to have you!  You were so tiny (5 lbs, 5 oz), so perfect and a true gift from God.

You were always a happy baby, contagious with your smile.  You have such a love for life!

I  have loved watching your grow!  I could see our personality coming out.  I knew that God had made you very special.   You walked at just over 10 months old because you were determined to do it, and that is a great example of your personality, determined!  You held your breath underwater when you were only 15 months old.  You swam by yourself at just 27 months.   I think you will be able to overcome any obstacle you have in life.   You love to dance, in fact, we dance just about everyday!  You are silly, always making me laugh. Saying things like, "mommy, your ring is so beautiful, you married!??"  You are full of love, joy, and personality.   You have been a source of comfort in some of our hardest moments.  You have a very sensitive heart.  You care about others and when they are sad.   You hug me often.   When you sense I am not ok, you tell me that you love me and that everything will be ok.  I love your sweet and discerning spirit.  You have told us on many occasions that Jesus has told you something, only to find out that it is true!
 I even love your sassiness

You love to paint, and you could do it all day.  I love your creative side, always putting things together, even on your face

You are our "little bug"

We have been a family of just 3 for almost 3 years!  We have only had you. ....... Nothing will ever take away from that special time, we have so many wonderful memories.  I have a hard time even imagining how I can ever love another child as much as you.  Part of me is sad that that time is coming to an end and that this has come so much quicker than expected, but I am also so excited for this new journey in our lives! 

You are going to be a big sister in just 10 days!!  The way you are becoming a big sister is not like most people, but it is the way God has chosen.  We are continually praying that God will prepare you heart for this transition.  We know that in some ways you will love being a big sister and having Norah around, but we know in other ways it will be difficult on you.  Our time will be split, our love will be shared, but you will still be just as important!

Maya, I have always know that God has made you for something extraordinary, something bigger than we could ever imagine and maybe this is part of it....... but I cannot wait to see what He has in store for your life.

Mommy and Daddy love you so much and nothing will ever change that!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


Meet Hannah

Hannah is our roommate!  Yes, we have a roommate!  Hannah has been here since the end of August, she is doing a program at our church called the "School of Worship "  We have an extra room in our house, and we love it when other people stay!  We were not planning on opening up our room this year because I was pregnant in the summer, but when I lost the baby we changed our mind......   If we would have stayed pregnant we would have missed the opportunity to meet an amazing girl!

We love Hannah, from the moment we met her!  She is from Sacramento, so we both heart California.  She is just so sweet and so fun!  The first week she lived with us she asked if a friend could stay the night and Brett's response was "you already have a friend?"  Hannah is just so like-able I can see why she had a friend(s) so quickly.

When I think of Hannah I am always amazed!  For being so young she has so much wisdom!  She loves the Lord, she is smart,  she is a servant, she has a beautiful voice, and she is so cute and stylish!  Plus, we have had some amazing laughing sessions with Hannah in our home, she just has a certain joy, I love her!  When I think of Hannah, I can only hope and pray that Maya and Norah will turn out like her.

On several occasions Hannah has cleaned our house, just out of the blue, when we were out of town.  What a blessing for us!  When Carrisa passed away we woke Hannah up at Midnight and she immediately just started helping us, with packing, laundry, and she even went to the store for us.  When we got home from California Hannah had cleaned the house, scrubbed my tub, and left me bubble bath, a candle, and a Starbucks gift card. Love her

Oh and Maya loves Hannah and all of her friends! They are all so great at playing tea parties, painting and playing with Mr. Potatoe Head.  They have given me some wonderful breaks.  Just 2 weeks ago Hannah and her friend told me they were going to watch Maya for free and that Brett and I had to go on a date.  What a wonderful, needed surprise!

We had Hannah and a few of her friends over for dinner, we just wanted them to enjoy a home cooked meal, something you don't get very often when you're away from home.  I loved hearing them talk and laugh and just enjoy life together.

We have laughed together, cried together, and have had some amazing talks! Despite some of the hardest moment in our life this past year, we have also had some of the best, like meeting Hannah. I am so thankful to have her in our life and I am so glad that she is getting to share this new journey we are entering as a family.  She is our family.  I will be forever grateful that I have known such a wonderful girl, she will change the world.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

A little time away

This week I was fortunate enough to take a quick break from life and meet a good Omaha friend, Sarah Cz at the beach.  This trip was planned in November as a way for me to spend some quality time with a friend who had just gone through a tremendous loss.  On November 1st, 2010, Sarah had an emergency c-section and delivered her 25 week old daughter, Harper.  Harper was born without a heartbeat........She was able to be revived after about 10 minutes of CPR, but then only lived for 2 days.......To read more about Harpers life go here.

This loss was devastating for the Cz family, the community, and even for us as their friends....It just broke my heart, that my friend was hurting so much and that this precious baby was taken way to quickly.  We had all prayed relentlessly for God to spare Harpers life, but He chose not to...................  I felt like such a horrible friend for not being able to go to Harpers memorial service, you see I couldn’t go because that was when I was in California visiting my family, it was the last time ever saw Carrisa alive........

There have been many parallels in our lives.  Sarah lost her father at a young age, her older brother had a brain tumor (although he did survive), we delivered our first children within 2 weeks of each other, and we both, at one point carried babies whose due dates were one day apart (Feb 11th-baby Harper, feb 12th-baby Goodlin)  and now we both were coming together, no longer carrying the children that would have been due in just a few weeks........  Although,Sarah’s loss of her baby was immensly more tragic and devastating than ours, virtually un-comparable.

This trip was just for Sarah, until December 11th...... When Carrisa went to be with the Lord.  At first I didn’t know if I would still be able to go on the beach trip we had planned.  It really wasn’t my top priority, especially all that was going on with Norah, but I desperately wanted to see my dear friend and hug her, not just for her loss now, but for mine as well.   My husband later told me that, he was going to make me go on the trip, NO MATTER WHAT!   It worked out and I was able to meet Sarah in Fort Myers Beach, Florida on January 19th.

Part of me struggled, struggled that I was bringing a burden with me.  I wanted this trip just to be for Sarah, for her to reflect, to talk, to cry, whatever she needed.......  It was hard for me to feel like I couldn’t give her all of that, that part of our trip would now be about my loss as well...... it just didn’t seem fair.

I couldn’t have imagined a better friend to spend time with though........Sarah Cz is the friend everyone should have.  She is so sweet, selfless, sincere, a pursuer of Christ, hilarious, fun, and the person everyone likes. She is a once in a lifetime friend.  When Fran died 3 years ago, Sarah and her husband were with us in a heartbeat (and Linds too :O)) I feel so blessed to have her in my life.  We don’t see each other very often, since she lives in Omaha, but our friendship never fades.  Months may pass before we talk and it is still so easy to reconnect!  It was just like that when I saw her in no time had passed.

We stayed at the Pink Shells Beach Resort and loved everything about it from the minute we walked in!   Our room had big glass doors the opened up to the perfect view of the ocean, and the 78 degree weather wasn’t bad either.

We did enjoy pedicures our second day at the resort, a tradition we have always had as friends.

  But most of our time was spent on the beach, what we both wanted.  There’s something about the ocean........ It was peaceful, the sound of the ocean was calm and relaxing.  The sand between our feet was so soft and running our fingers between it was somehow therapeutic.   The sun was warm and uplifting.  We talked, we read, we napped, we cried together, we listened, and sometimes we were just quite.  We also laughed......yes in the midst of us mourning together we laughed so hard!  In fact, I don’t even remember the last time I laughed like that.  It was good for the soul.....

 Oh and we couldn’t spend time together without a trip to Starbucks, something we always do when we are together!

I loved hearing Sarah’s process.  In some ways we could relate, but there were so many things that were very different.  One thing I know is that losing your own child while they lay in your arms is probably the hardest thing I think a person could ever encounter, ever.  I do not know this kind of loss, and I hope I don’t ever have too..

Sarah and I had complementary breakfast every morning at the resort, it was a gourmet buffet.  Every night we dressed up though and went out to eat, it was so fun

Sarah and I have had tough moments, moments of barely hanging on.......We are not always strong, sometimes our lives feel like they are crumbling.  We have fears, we have scarred hearts, but we have hope.  Hope in Christ, that He has a plan, that He has our stories written and in the end we will have immeasurable joy with Him and those we have lost.

We had do much fun together and were sad our time came to an end, but so happy to see our families again