maybe knocked down, but not out forever

I am feeling better this week.
I went back to work, started working out and just started life back up.
I feel hopeful inside for what God has in store for us,
but I still have moments of sadness for our loss.
I have received more notes, cards and encouraging words this week and even a cute dress in the mail for Maya!!

On Friday we got to hang out with Bennett and Emily at Villa. We loved it! I have been wanting to go to Villa with them all summer and we had such a great time, I don't think Bennett ever wanted to leave. I think Maya loved having Bennett, because she pretty much ALL of his snacks.


We had a family movie night on Friday, we blew up the air mattress and put it on the living room floor, Maya totally loved it! We watched the movie "Bolt" and now Maya asks for family movie night all the time!




I think Maya makes me laugh just about everyday. She can say everything!! I love it!
Some of the fun things Maya says:

"Daddy kiss my booty"
"Oh dear....."
"no I didn't toot, I farted!"
"mommy pedicure please"
"go away daddy"
"this is love calling, love calling" (she sings this to me, so sweet)

Maya wants to wear the slippers grandma made her everyday, even to the pool

Maya saying "Yeeehaw, as she rides the hamper"

When we pray for Maya each night we pray that Jesus would give her the fruit of the spirit. One night I realized she has memorized almost all of them. It is so sweet to hear her say each of them. For self control, Maya says "troll"
Here is a short video of her saying them


love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control


This is a photo of Maya 1 year ago, she look so different

i love her

life and loss

I still get nervous when I lay down on my belly.....thinking I might hurt the baby
On Friday morning I threw up
On Saturday I started to produce milk
My hair even started to thin back out already
Deli meat still repulses me

All of these reminders of my baby..... my baby that is gone.....
Inside I am so sad

How is it that one minute I can be pregnant and so excited for a new stage in our life and then the next second devastated hearing the news that our little baby didn't make it.

Still I have so many thoughts of February of when our baby was suppose to be born, now all I can think of is how different these next 6.5 months will be, nothing like I had anticipated.

Jesus loves me this I know, but I just want to cry and be sad, let me mourn.

It has been a hard week................ I wish I could really express how I feel. To some I may seem just fine on the outside, but inside my heart is broken.
I lost my baby. I am tired, tired of loss in my life and this is another reminder of all of the loss. I thought I was immune, immune to more pain and hurt in my life, hasn't God given me enough?

I don't like waking up, every morning seems to be a reminder of the pain
I didn't want to go to church, because I knew I would cry
I dreaded going back to work because I knew that I would just "get that look" enough to bring back all of my emotions

I still believe God is good, I know He has a plan.
"My heart will choose to say Lord blessed be your name."

Despite all of the pain this week God has shown me how blessed we are, with our precious Maya, who lights up our world saying things like "Jesus make mommy feel better" and with our friends and family, all who have been so supportive, encouraging, prayerful and understanding. I have received so many notes and emails from other women who have had miscarriages, just relating to my pain and praying for me. I would never wish this pain on anyone in the whole world, but right now I am thankful that there are so many others who understand how I feel.

On Sunday Andrea Parsley prayed for me at church, a woman who has experienced this pain far too many times. Her words were heartfelt, she spoke as if she knew exactly how I felt at that moment, it was so refreshing and I am so thankful I had her at that moment.

What has helped me to make it through the week:

-All of the prayers
-The phone calls, even if I don't always answer
-The texts with scriptures to encourage me
-The squeeze on my shoulder at work that told me how much someone cared without a word spoken.
-My husband, who has just been there to let me cry and cry
-My daughter, who continues to make me laugh running around the house saying " Ima shaking my booty"

the Cards

the Flowers

the Encouraging words

the Dinners

the memories

the songs

3rd annual trip to KC

We have made it a tradition every 4th of July to go to Kansas City and see Bretts brother, Travis and his family; Shanna, Ella & Chloe. We love it! There is nothing like time with family, especially with 3 cute little girls playing together, I just love watching Maya, Ella & Chloe.

Chloe (1), Maya (2), Ella (4)

Brothers

We went to an interactive science museum our first day, it was so fun, interesting and creative! It was perfect for all of the girls and even for us adults.



For the weekend with drove up to Jeff City, all 7 of us packed in to1 van, to visit Grandma Pratt, and lots of aunts, uncles and cousins. We has lots of good food and lots of fun! All of the kids played so well together and Maya loved her Grandma Pratt, she even left her a poo poo present on the floor one morning (oh dear......)

Grandma with the girls

On our way back to KC we decided to stop by Brett's Uncle Dave & Aunt Louise's home in Eugene, MO. It was awesome! They live on almost 100 acres, of beautiful green lushiness! They have their own vineyard, large garden, blackberries bushes, fruit trees and other agriculture, enough to live off of. They have also designed and built their own home using wood from their own property. There house is so innovative and has such a spectacular design. I have to say visiting their home was my favorite part of the trip! I loved watching Maya run through the vineyard, pick grapes and play with her cousins. I felt like we were in a movie. It was so cute to watch Aunt Louise with the kids, I think she gave Maya a band-aide about 5 different time for a tiny cut on her finger.

kids up in the loft

Maya playing with her 2nd Cousin Silas, there are just a few days apart in age

Cousin Mira, she loved Brett!

Maya picking grapes

LOVE this one, captures the day so well!

Oh and they also have a little pond with a dock and boat, so cute

love this photo too, wouldn't be complete without at least one child crying
(Mira, Maya, Chloe, Ella, Silas, & Quinn)


Aunt Louise driving the kids around

For the 4th of July we went to a neighborhood party in KC. There were so many children Mayas age, they had a big blow-up water slide, and tons of food, but right about time fireworks were about to start it started to rain...... sad, so I didn't get to many photos of the celebration

On our way home we decided to stop in Omaha since Maya had never been there. Of course our trip would not be complete without seeing our good friends the Cz's and Aunt Anna & Uncle Jon

showing off big girl undies


Aunt Anna & Uncle Jon


Time to go home

Coming this February

**** Update****
We still believe this shirt to be true, someday Maya will be a big sister