Monday, July 19, 2010

life and loss

I still get nervous when I lay down on my belly.....thinking I might hurt the baby
On Friday morning I threw up
On Saturday I started to produce milk
My hair even started to thin back out already
Deli meat still repulses me

All of these reminders of my baby..... my baby that is gone.....
Inside I am so sad

How is it that one minute I can be pregnant and so excited for a new stage in our life and then the next second devastated hearing the news that our little baby didn't make it.

Still I have so many thoughts of February of when our baby was suppose to be born, now all I can think of is how different these next 6.5 months will be, nothing like I had anticipated.

Jesus loves me this I know, but I just want to cry and be sad, let me mourn.

It has been a hard week................ I wish I could really express how I feel. To some I may seem just fine on the outside, but inside my heart is broken.
I lost my baby. I am tired, tired of loss in my life and this is another reminder of all of the loss. I thought I was immune, immune to more pain and hurt in my life, hasn't God given me enough?

I don't like waking up, every morning seems to be a reminder of the pain
I didn't want to go to church, because I knew I would cry
I dreaded going back to work because I knew that I would just "get that look" enough to bring back all of my emotions

I still believe God is good, I know He has a plan.
"My heart will choose to say Lord blessed be your name."

Despite all of the pain this week God has shown me how blessed we are, with our precious Maya, who lights up our world saying things like "Jesus make mommy feel better" and with our friends and family, all who have been so supportive, encouraging, prayerful and understanding. I have received so many notes and emails from other women who have had miscarriages, just relating to my pain and praying for me. I would never wish this pain on anyone in the whole world, but right now I am thankful that there are so many others who understand how I feel.

On Sunday Andrea Parsley prayed for me at church, a woman who has experienced this pain far too many times. Her words were heartfelt, she spoke as if she knew exactly how I felt at that moment, it was so refreshing and I am so thankful I had her at that moment.

What has helped me to make it through the week:

-All of the prayers
-The phone calls, even if I don't always answer
-The texts with scriptures to encourage me
-The squeeze on my shoulder at work that told me how much someone cared without a word spoken.
-My husband, who has just been there to let me cry and cry
-My daughter, who continues to make me laugh running around the house saying " Ima shaking my booty"

the Cards

the Flowers

the Encouraging words

the Dinners

the memories

the songs


  1. My heart breaks reading this. Thank you for such raw honesty. You are in my thoughts and prayers, hang in there. XOXOX

  2. thank you for opening your heart and letting us be a part of this healing process with you. love you so much.

  3. You just explained EXACTLY how I feel. I am so sick of being sad, and yet at the same time I'm still sad. Hang in there, it does get easier. Love Ya!!

  4. I am not sure if it ever does get easier. I am sorry for your loss. It really hurts and you will be forever changed. Just know that others are going through this with you too. :)


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