I might die before he finishes

Many of you may already know this, but Brett is studying to become a CPA, you know one of those fancy accountants.  It's not just one ridiculously difficult test, but 4, yep 4 insanely difficult tests!!!! People this is not joke, it's harder than the BAR exam.   Why don't we just throw in that Brett is working a full time job, has a family with 4 small children, and one was in the PICU for 3 days, 3 days prior to his first exam!!  Lets just add in some more obstacles, maybe they should have Brett take his test blindfolded, with one arm behind his back, or skipping a jump rope while he's at it.

But really, it's kind of insane.  He is doing 4 incredibly difficult and expensive study courses before each exam, which means I see him for a total 30 minutes a week.  I mean, I might actually die before he finishes because I'm going crazy!  Honestly, I don't know how single moms do it or military wives, I have the utmost respect for you because I NEED my husband, I'm so pathetic without him. That is one reason I have been blogging less, there is just no time at night for me to even breathe.  I pack lunches, count carbs, clean up the disaster of a kitchen from the dinner I tried to make while watching 4 children who need to do homework, pee in the potty, play with outlets and chemicals and eat cat food, lets just throw in a few whines, breaking up an argument,  tupperware unloaded from the cupboard,  3 different dietary needs and doing a math equation to count all the carbs Norah eats so I can medicate her properly.  Ahhh the Joys!  I'm living a life of dreams :O)

And then after bathing, nursing, braiding hair, reading books, brushing teeth and going potty I'm usually in the kitchen baking for Norah and setting up to survive the next day.

And then I crash............ or cry, or stare at a wall

I'm glad he is doing it though.  As much as I hate not having him around much right now, I couldn't be more proud that he is doing this.  There have been many times where quitting would be so much easier for both of us, for all of us, but not in the long run.

 There are moments where I get so lost in the stress of now it is so hard for me to see the end, it is so blurry and my days are long and hard.  It's such a mental battle of knowing there is an end in sight but surviving and struggling through the days I face now.

Tomorrow he takes his 3rd exam, he has already passed 2!  And after this exam he will have a few weeks break and then off to study intensely for 6 weeks for his final exam (as long as he passes #3).  

I mean it's all worth it in the end right.  They get this guy for a dad :O)

Levi Paul {11 months]

Can we just sit back and all shed a few tears..... this will be my last monthly baby post, most likely ever,!

(some of you might be excited about that though!)

Levi is 11 months, this is it folks.  The time has come to end this baby journey in our family, it is bitter sweet in a million ways  (although, who knows what God will do in our lives).

Levi, my little peanut, you only weight a whopping 16 lbs at 11 months old.  You have stayed on your growth curve, so the Dr is not really worried, but she said she wouldn't mind if I fed you butter and coconut oil :O)

I am amazed that I have nursed you this entire time, although I'm not that amazed since you won't drink form ANYTHING else, no bottle, no cup, no straw.  

If I try to give you a cup you just throw it at me........yep

You are completely relentless.  That is your word my Levi, "Relentless."  My goodness I don't know what to do with you!  You go up the stairs, play in the toilet, eat cat food, put legos in your mouth,  eat rocks, play with the door stopper, and do anything that is basically dangerous and naughty.   I seriously can't leave you for more than 30 seconds or it's trouble and now your big sisters are in school I don't have my constant Alarm, "Mommy, Levi's playing in the toilet again!"  

And even if I close all of the toilet lids, you start playing with the toilet bowl brush, which is like A MILLION TIMES WORSE!  Oh my word, you are not phased when I tell you No, or try to distract you, or squeeze your hand, you just keep going back, you are just so relentless and so fast too! 

on your way to do something naughty

and you found it.....

 

I'm hoping the Lord will someday use this trait in you, being relentless, the one thing that seems so difficult right now, maybe you will use later in your life, to never give up and to keep going for your dreams, but for now could you just be a little less relentless on the naughty stuff?

And Levi, I don't think you have ever been interested in baby toys, you just totally bypassed that and started playing/destroying your sisters pet shops.

You are still my #1 cuddler and mama's boy though.  

You cuddle me like no other child has, you snuggle against me, hug me, and give me open mouth kisses.  

I love your affection. And I love that you love me so much.

but seriously you aren't a baby anymore, just look at these photos

 My secret helper for every monthly photo, seriously this girl can make him laugh and smile like no one else!

 

 Although you are almost not a baby, you will always be my baby (do do do, uh, do do do ti do ti uh)
 

Dear Carrisa, Norah Started school

Dear Carrisa,

Although I usually only write you these letters once a year on your heaven anniversary, I felt it appropriate to write one to you now.  It is August 2014 and Norah just started Kindergarten!

Oh my word, can you seriously believe it?!?! Your baby is in Kindergarten.  All grown up and sporting her cow boy boots!

 And in a million ways I wish you had this day, the day that Norah started school. It was just one of those moments like when Norah said "I love you" for the first time that I felt so strongly should have been yours....such a milestone, one for you.

It was such a strange day for me, my mind continuously thinking of you, my mind anxious for Norah, my head spinning about all that could go wrong at school.  You see back in February Norah was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.

Ughhh, seriously, what the heck, right!  Norah of all people..... 

 I'm sorry sis.... I'm so sorry this has happened to your Norah and I certainly hope that I was not responsible for causing or triggering this disease.   It has been my worst nightmare coming true.  An autoimmune condition, just like you, diagnosed around the same age. So life changing and life threatening.  It has turned our worlds upside down.  It has put a deep sadness inside my heart like nothing else..... It has made me question and rely on the Lord in a ways that I never have before.  I have had so many days of feeling completely incapable and inadequate, that I was not meant for this job, that when I do one wrong thing with Norahs food or insulin I'm hurting her and then I feel as if I'm letting you down.   Day by day I'm giving it to the Lord, realizing that as much as I'm responsible for Norah on this earth, she is truly in the Lords hands....

 I cannot fathom which is worse, you still here on earth taking care of Norah as a single mom with this horrendous disease, or me, your sister responsible for your precious daughter, who already lost a mother now taking care of this horrendous disease.  My heart just aches for Norah.  Somedays I'm not sure how to teach her that God loves her... you are gone, her mother, and now this, this diabetes.  She has been given so much at such a young age, but then again I know that the Lord gives these hard things to people he knows will do great things, so I know He must have some great plans for Norah, He must know that she will be a difference maker.  

And I'm sure you have a different view, a different perspective, one that sees that hope of the future. 

 Sometimes my day gets to fogged up in all that is going wrong, that there is never an end in sight, that no matter how well I manage Norah's diabetes it will never go away.   I pray everyday for a miracle, that God would heal her, I won't give up on that.  So maybe you can put in a good word for me up there,  you know since you're pretty close to God an all.  And since I'm making requests maybe beyond healing Norah you can ask Him to help give me a different perspective.

You would be so proud of Norah though.  She takes such charge, checks her own blood sugar, has learned what she can and cannot eat.  She is such a good eater, she eats things I make her that my other kids wouldn't touch and she is excited about it!

And when I dropped her off at her first day of school she ran into the class like she had been going for years, she could care less that I was standing at the door with my heart pounding feeling as if I was leaving her life in the hands of her teacher, She was like "see ya mom!" 

Oh and the nurse kept saying how much Sarah and Norah looked a like!  Isn't it crazy, they are actually cousins but no one would ever really know!

I miss you lots sis. Can't wait for the day when I get to be with you and Norah again fully healed!