Dear Carrisa, Norah Started school

Dear Carrisa,

Although I usually only write you these letters once a year on your heaven anniversary, I felt it appropriate to write one to you now.  It is August 2014 and Norah just started Kindergarten!

Oh my word, can you seriously believe it?!?! Your baby is in Kindergarten.  All grown up and sporting her cow boy boots!

 And in a million ways I wish you had this day, the day that Norah started school. It was just one of those moments like when Norah said "I love you" for the first time that I felt so strongly should have been yours....such a milestone, one for you.

It was such a strange day for me, my mind continuously thinking of you, my mind anxious for Norah, my head spinning about all that could go wrong at school.  You see back in February Norah was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.

Ughhh, seriously, what the heck, right!  Norah of all people..... 

 I'm sorry sis.... I'm so sorry this has happened to your Norah and I certainly hope that I was not responsible for causing or triggering this disease.   It has been my worst nightmare coming true.  An autoimmune condition, just like you, diagnosed around the same age. So life changing and life threatening.  It has turned our worlds upside down.  It has put a deep sadness inside my heart like nothing else..... It has made me question and rely on the Lord in a ways that I never have before.  I have had so many days of feeling completely incapable and inadequate, that I was not meant for this job, that when I do one wrong thing with Norahs food or insulin I'm hurting her and then I feel as if I'm letting you down.   Day by day I'm giving it to the Lord, realizing that as much as I'm responsible for Norah on this earth, she is truly in the Lords hands....

 I cannot fathom which is worse, you still here on earth taking care of Norah as a single mom with this horrendous disease, or me, your sister responsible for your precious daughter, who already lost a mother now taking care of this horrendous disease.  My heart just aches for Norah.  Somedays I'm not sure how to teach her that God loves her... you are gone, her mother, and now this, this diabetes.  She has been given so much at such a young age, but then again I know that the Lord gives these hard things to people he knows will do great things, so I know He must have some great plans for Norah, He must know that she will be a difference maker.  

And I'm sure you have a different view, a different perspective, one that sees that hope of the future. 

 Sometimes my day gets to fogged up in all that is going wrong, that there is never an end in sight, that no matter how well I manage Norah's diabetes it will never go away.   I pray everyday for a miracle, that God would heal her, I won't give up on that.  So maybe you can put in a good word for me up there,  you know since you're pretty close to God an all.  And since I'm making requests maybe beyond healing Norah you can ask Him to help give me a different perspective.

You would be so proud of Norah though.  She takes such charge, checks her own blood sugar, has learned what she can and cannot eat.  She is such a good eater, she eats things I make her that my other kids wouldn't touch and she is excited about it!

And when I dropped her off at her first day of school she ran into the class like she had been going for years, she could care less that I was standing at the door with my heart pounding feeling as if I was leaving her life in the hands of her teacher, She was like "see ya mom!" 

Oh and the nurse kept saying how much Sarah and Norah looked a like!  Isn't it crazy, they are actually cousins but no one would ever really know!

I miss you lots sis. Can't wait for the day when I get to be with you and Norah again fully healed!