Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I wish

I wish I would have been a better sister. I wish, just wish we could have a least seen her at the hospital, why did she have to die suddenly, why couldn't we at least visit her and then have her pass? I just wanted so badly to tell her how much I loved her and how proud I was off her....

We didn't always get a long growing up. She always took my clothes without asking and it drove me crazing!!!!! She wasn't good at cleaning up after herself and I was a neat freak! Sometimes we called her a pest, from her bugging us. She was weird.... but we all were.
Carrisa, Jenni, Danae, Jordan

Ahhhhh how things changed, as adults we were so much closer! In fact, I would consider her my closet sister.... just being able to share the joy of motherhood was such an amazing thing to have with a my sister. I loved how we both loved pink and polk-a-dots, our daughters rooms were decorated so similar. I spoke at her funeral about how I thought she was even a better mother than I was.... and she really was. She just had such a gift with children, I can only hope she is taking care of my baby in heaven now, because no one else could do a better job. She wanted to move to Colorado, I wish she would have....

I am sad not just for my loss, but for my mother, who lost another child...... For my brother Jordan, the man in the house, why does he have to endure all this pain and continually be strong? For my sister Candice, who is lost in her ways and only sees this as God hurting us more. For my sister Danae.... she was the closet to Carrisa.... Danae and Carrisa were roomates for 14 years.... they were so close, often times confused as twins, we used to call them the "little girls." Danae got to see Carrisa and Norah every week, they were best friends. And most I am sad for Norah, only 18 months old.... she will not even be able to remember her mother.......

Is it really Christmas, because it certainly doesn't feel like it


  1. Hello my dearest friend Jenni,
    Where do I start? I have been wondering, worrying, and just praying hard everyday for you and your family. I read you last few posts, and feel the raw emotion coming from what you say. Its so healthy for you to share your thoughts, only those of us that know you are so blessed to be able to read them. I think back so far, to the beginning of time, in about 1st or second grade when we became friends. What a fun family you always have had. I remember over the years so many fun memories at the Cox house....My favorites would be the bunk beds that you could look into the living room and watch tv when we were supposed to be sleeping, or the chocolate chip cookies that we would put into a pan to make bars instead of cookies....I thought that was a genious idea :) I remember the big van we used to take to church on Sundays....Ah those are great memories. I think about 4th grade when I thought you liked Lydia Torres better than me and I was sad :( and 5th grade when life first started changing for your family. At the time I did not know what it meant to loose a da, but I knew it was sad and very hard on your family, especially your mom. I think it is so neat that your mom was so strong and held the family together to move to Paradise. She is a woman to admire. Through Jr. High I remember making the trip up to visit you and I thought Paradise was so much fun. I was sad to have my very best friend so far from me....High school was a blast and you seemed to enjoy life up there. You loved your ska music. I remember your toyota corolla, (i think thats what you had?) and we used to drive around in Chico. I distinctly remember hearing about Darrin. I was very confused at that time about how to find the words to comfort you....it was a tremendous loss for the family, and I continued to see Jordan and the "little girls" admire you for your committment to your faith and your ever enduring strength....I think somewhere in those next few years life hit fast forward and we found ourselves somewhere between Nebraska, California, and Colorado...It was so much fun to meet up as adults for coffee and talk about life....I too endured the heartbreaking loss suddenly of my own father, and will always regret not having the strength you had to be at your wedding to Brett. I was trying to pull it together and just couldnt do it. I hope you know I was there in spirit. Now we are in the next chapter of our lives, tailing off of the 20'S and enjoying our last decade this year....I can not express from the bottom of my heart the grief I am feeling for you and the family. I know you all are so loved and everyone is there to reach out a hand for your needs. But know that from me to you as your longest friend that you have, I admire you still for your continuous committment to your faith in God, love for others and being a pillar of strength for the family. I know you are hurting and things do not make sense....I love you so much and am always and forever your friend despite the time that passes, in a moment I am taken right back. I can be a shoulder to cry on, a funny girl to make you laugh, and ever grateful for your friendship....Love you Jenni.

  2. Love and miss you guys! Praying for you during this season.

  3. Jenni, my heart, thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. I was deeply touched by your story, I know how it feels to lose a love one so suddenly and unexpectedly. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal but love leaves a memory no one can steal. Although right now it's difficult to see beyond the pain and sorrow, looking back at the memories will comfort your tomorrows. The scar will be with you forever but it is what life brings you that will heal it all. God Bless your broken heart.
    Love You
    If Tears could build a Stairway
    And Memories a Lane
    We'd walk right up to Heaven
    And bring our love ones back home again...

  4. sometimes many person buy the bunk beds and after using a small period they didn't like it and they want to bump beds for sale. No doubt these bunk beds are very beautiful and nice looking but liking and disliking factor matters allot.


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