Tuesday, November 27, 2012

December Anxiety

Oh we have been very busy and yucky sick!! Welcome Winter.  All evenings and down times I have been forcing myself to do a better job of resting, like laying in the bed resting, it has been good, but more quite on the web, which is good too.

I get really bad anxiety as December nears.  I actually love this time of year, but I have re-occuring thoughts and dreams of the Phone Call that changed everything.  Losing anyone, ever, is sooo soo hard, but I will say that around Christmas time it is realistically harder, it just is.  Christmas brings memories of love, happiness, reminders of the gifts we have from the Lord and from one another, but for me Christmas will forever be a reminder of instantly losing my sister, of the worst night of my life.

I can remember being on a flight where so many were happy traveling to see loved ones, and I was simply a mess, broken.

I can remember the Christmas that didn't happen, but the memorial service that did.

I can remember the week in California, after my sister died, I can remember it vividly.

 I remember Carrisa's neighbors over.the.top, crazy light themed, train city (in a trailer park) and wishing shewas there so we could laugh together.

I remember Norah falling asleep while eating dinner, I am sure from pure exhaustion.

I remember watching "the Holiday" one of me & my sisters favorite movies, on the couch, in tears with my family.

And then there is the thought, could Norah possibly remember?
The other day she told me this "I miss mommy Carrisa because she died at Christmas time"
does she remember?

No matter what has happen, no matter how sad or bad, it doesn't take away from one of the greatest moments on earth.  God sending his son  to earth as a tiny baby, and because of that, I will get to see my sister again.

And now I have moments like this...

forever treasured

and forever the possibility of a lingering memory for this little girl


  1. beautiful, jenni. precious, difficult memories to relive every year. i remember that late night call i got from you...still doesn't feel real. loving you and praying for your spirit during this time.

    1. Oh Jenni, you express your pain and mixed feelings so candidly and beautifully. I am sad thinking of you being sad. And then hopeful thinking of you seeing Carissa again. That will be a sweet day. I love you, friend.

  2. Oh Jenni, you express your pain and mixed feelings so candidly and beautifully. I am sad thinking of you being sad. And then hopeful thinking of you seeing Carissa again. That will be a sweet day. I love you, friend.

  3. Praying for you that your grief can be balanced with joy. That you are healthier in your spirit than you were those 2 years ago. That the crushing pain you experience that night when Carissa went to be with Jesus is just a little lighter. I believe Norah does remember her Mom leaving...it was a day/time where her life changed forever. I've said it before, that she has been placed in the perfect family to help her process and understand loss and love. She will be more powerful, her testimony will be more poignant, because you and Brett and her sisters and loved ones gave her the gift of Jesus' hope among sadness. Love you, Jenni! Wishing I could hug you right now!

    1. Thank you Lynae. Thinking of you lots today and really missing you. Your words are always so encouraging.

  4. ....you make me cry - happy tears, sad tears, "I'm so glad I have Jesus tears". I grieve for you & with you. Thank you for the chance to reflect from memory upon this journey of faith we all have watched from afar.

    God gave us the gift of memory for a reason. As much as it hurts to remember loss, it also provides us with the chance to remember how he has continued to do a great work in the midst of that painful loss. Here is where you enter the story. A new memory is how God has revealed himself as you & Brett have walked into his space. You have allowed a story of great loss of a sister become the great gain of a child. Yours is a story that gives testimony to the power of an obedient life; it is a story that speaks to the power of walking in faith. Your story edifies & refreshes my walk with Jesus as I witness his character revealed in your family. I am humbled by your story. Hundreds of others are humbled by your story. But then, it is really His story, his work in us, for this is what he demands of all believers- that he be glorified.

    What I know: Carrisa loved Jesus; Carrisa lived life large - living it a little "faster" than most of us (now I know why). She lived the same way she drove over my bridge out here- jet propelled. It was easy to identify the sound of her car crossing the loose timbers on the bridge decking. Kinda reminded me of the tune: Wipe Out played on the drums. As you know driving fast wasn't the only thing she did quickly.

    In fact, you need to know that I feel she "knew" that she had lots of work to get done, because her time would be cut short. Her presence always reflected a sense of urgency. She took-to-task far quicker & with more resolve to "get-er-done" than any of her peers. She worked harder and faster than anyone else- oftentimes by herself, because her determination to do it "her way" left little room for the rest of us to participate. Watching this play out always made me smile. She was the most determined perfectionist, besides myself, I know. And I loved her for it.

    Carrisa loved parties. Her favorite venue - the barn, the Wright Ranch barn. In fact, she envisioned many future parties there too.
    The events she, along with my Melissa would host dazzled me. I would simply surrender to their plans & ask them to hand over a to-do list. I was rarely asked to weigh-in on the plans, but I trusted that the end result would be stunning. The two of them could make SOMEthing out of NOThing. In reality, the end result always screamed hospitality. Those girls knew how to create magic & an atmosphere that was spellbinding to all who were lucky enough to be a part of those parties. Moreover, oftentimes those two floated the bill, funding those parties on their own. Carrisa was generous. I don't recall any of the party guests being asked to help cover costs. Although, I do remember myself & your mom, encouraging them to give folks a chance to contribute, for the sake of the next party. Of course, stronger wills won out. There have since been many other parties in that barn, but none can compare to the ones Carrisa & Missy cohosted. Now that is a great memory.

    Thank you for continuing to reveal your personal journey as you march into a life no one could have predicted or imagined. For you see, I will always hold a stake in this journey too. I am forever a part of you as I claimed Carrisa as my other "Good Child" & Norah as one of my grandz. I am grateful for the 10 years God allowed her to be a part of my family. I pray my memory of the life we shared will remain fresh.

    I wish you & the family God has uniquely fashioned for you, a very Merry Christmas.

    Much love, dianna & family


I love hearing from you, it always makes my day!