It's Complicated

Once upon a time I pictured our 10 year anniversary to include a tropical island, time alone, and some R&R.

Well just like most of my life, this once upon a time has also been crushed.  

We will be lucky to get a few hours alone together in our own home after our kids have gone to bed, a date night is even far fetched at this point.

It's kind of like this photo,
we tried to get one alone, but it just didn't quite happen.  It's not bad, it just is.

I have such a different outlook on moms who take care of disabled children now, there are no breaks, no dates nights, no time off, ever.  It's exhausting.  Norah is not disabled, but I am her daily nurse.  Brett, my mom and I are the only people who know how to medicate and properly take care of Norah, and since my mom doesn't live here it's just Brett and me.  And most people aren't super keen on having to give a child shots, go figure.   Meals and night time are the are the hardest times to take care of Norah, and well, date nights typically happen around dinner and night time, plus throw in there taking care of 3 other small children and it gets a little complicated.

This has been a huge struggle for me lately.  Just feeling very trapped and stuck, not just with date nights, but with the opportunity for Brett and I to ever go anywhere together alone again,  for like the next 20 years.  It feels selfish of me to even think this or want this.  I don't have the desire to get away from my children, I love them very much and I love spending time with them, going places, and seeing their joy, but there is also a time for just my husband and me. 

 I have wept over not just the loss of a healthy child, but the loss of a tiny freedom I once had.  I never even knew it existed until it was gone, and then suddenly I realized how many moms take care of their sick children all the time and never get this break either. I just get a huge lump in my throat thinking about all the moms who have much more complicated situations than we do.

I have had a dear friend offer to help watch Norah to give me this break, and she has 3 small children herself and is basically a saint for even offering. I know the time will come where I will take her up on this offer, its just a matter of teaching her, me giving up control, and then figuring out what to do with the other kids so we can go on a date again someday.
Oh and I still nurse Levi, which just adds to the complication,
 and Sarah likes to poop her pants. 
Any takers?

 I know there is a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel, it just seems really foggy and far away right now