Monday, May 5, 2014

It's Complicated

Once upon a time I pictured our 10 year anniversary to include a tropical island, time alone, and some R&R.

Well just like most of my life, this once upon a time has also been crushed.  
We will be lucky to get a few hours alone together in our own home after our kids have gone to bed, a date night is even far fetched at this point.

It's kind of like this photo,
we tried to get one alone, but it just didn't quite happen.  It's not bad, it just is.

I have such a different outlook on moms who take care of disabled children now, there are no breaks, no dates nights, no time off, ever.  It's exhausting.  Norah is not disabled, but I am her daily nurse.  Brett, my mom and I are the only people who know how to medicate and properly take care of Norah, and since my mom doesn't live here it's just Brett and me.  And most people aren't super keen on having to give a child shots, go figure.   Meals and night time are the are the hardest times to take care of Norah, and well, date nights typically happen around dinner and night time, plus throw in there taking care of 3 other small children and it gets a little complicated.

This has been a huge struggle for me lately.  Just feeling very trapped and stuck, not just with date nights, but with the opportunity for Brett and I to ever go anywhere together alone again,  for like the next 20 years.  It feels selfish of me to even think this or want this.  I don't have the desire to get away from my children, I love them very much and I love spending time with them, going places, and seeing their joy, but there is also a time for just my husband and me. 

 I have wept over not just the loss of a healthy child, but the loss of a tiny freedom I once had.  I never even knew it existed until it was gone, and then suddenly I realized how many moms take care of their sick children all the time and never get this break either. I just get a huge lump in my throat thinking about all the moms who have much more complicated situations than we do.

I have had a dear friend offer to help watch Norah to give me this break, and she has 3 small children herself and is basically a saint for even offering. I know the time will come where I will take her up on this offer, its just a matter of teaching her, me giving up control, and then figuring out what to do with the other kids so we can go on a date again someday.
Oh and I still nurse Levi, which just adds to the complication,
 and Sarah likes to poop her pants. 
Any takers?

 I know there is a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel, it just seems really foggy and far away right now


  1. Have you been able to meet any other moms with children with diabetes that maybe you can switch babysitting with? You can always take Levi with you and have another friend watch Sarah.

  2. I admire your strength to keep it real. It's good to hear the real, from the heart stuff. I think you are doing a phenomenal job. Praying for you. Remember to let others help in ways they can. I know it's hard, but letting someone come in to help with other little things would help you feel some relief. I hope people are offering. If I were closer, I'd certainly do what I could. But I can pray...and I do almost everyday for you.

  3. I wish I lived close, I would watch her! that I'm familiar with insulin shots (which will soon be over for me). It certainly gives me compassion for those who have to take insulin their entire lives and modify their diets. Praying someone will come along to provide that break you and Brett need...

  4. Your outlook on life, your courage to share, and your sweet spirit bless me every time I read your posts. Saying a prayer for you all today :)

  5. ..these are the dayz of "walking thru the desert." They will not last long. Know that others are in it this you. Seek out their company & cast you burdens on the One who knows them Best!
    luv to the FAM !!! anotha granny

  6. You have been doing amazing. You are the epitome of grace under fire. Hang in there, things will improve, you just gotta survive for a while! <3

    Norah is going to live an amazing life. I should know, I've been THRIVING with it since I was 7.

  7. I can't imagine what it is like with 4 children....but what you are doing is are a wonderful mom for being so selfless....once you get used to things you can guide others to help you out...and you will see that there will be many willing souls.


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