Dear Carrisa

Dear Carrisa,

Today it has been 1 year since your life suddenly ended on earth and you went to be with Jesus.... I will still always wonder what you were trying to say in that final breath.

How has it been a year already? I have tried to think of something special to do today, to honor you, but the thing I want to do the most is to talk to you, so that is why I am writing you a letter.

It seems like there are a million things I want to tell you, we need to catch up you know? Did you know that we had a baby? We became pregnant just a few weeks after you left. We had a little girl named Sarah Eileen, we wanted her to share your middle name, to honor and remember you. She was born on September 22nd, the same day Fran went to be with Jesus. Can you tell Fran "Hi" for us. I know that you were praying for Brett and his dad because they lost Fran, you had written it in your journal, thank you.

There have been lots of babies this year, Lynae had her 3rd son and your best friend Lyndsey had her first little girl, Emilee. You would have just ooggled over all of these babies and loved them so much! We all knew how wonderful you were with children. None of our baby showers or babies births were quite the same without your presence or your special touch, we miss that a lot.

Life has moved on for many people, there have been birthdays, weddings, and family celebrations, but the biggest place we have missed having you is by being Norah's mother. She is what I feel like you miss the most about earth....

We have Norah with us, she has been in our home since February, yes, just shortly after we became pregnant, you can laugh..... Brett and I felt the Lord leading us to take Norah into our home after you left. Is this what you wanted? I often wonder if we were your first choice for taking Norah. I hope it is okay that we have her. We love her very much and she is fitting into our family so well. Norah and Maya have become such great sisters and friends, I wish you could see them together, it is a delight!

Norah has changed so much since you last saw her, I mean she was only 18 months old when you left. She has an amazing vocabulary!!! But you already knew that, you had kept track of her every word and would brag to mom about how she had more words than any of us ever did at that age. I wish you could have heard the first time she said, "I love you," that moment was meant for you.......... She says it all the time, she is very affectionate and cuddly, something I know she got from you. I know you loved and squeezed her so much! She is mischievous, like you were...... thanks for that one :O) she loves to get into lotion, soap, and toothpaste, just about e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y.

We celebrated Norah's 2nd birthday in California, we did a "Milk and Cookies" theme at Lynae's house, it was very cute thanks to Danae & Lynae. Norah loved it! All those cookies, it was like heaven for her! She loves food, but is very picky about eating any type of meat, I think you knew that already though.

Norah went to a movie finally, and sat through it! She went and saw Puss N Boots, but that is not what she called it. She called it "Pussy Puss"........the whole time she was in the theater with people laughing at her while she repeated it over and over, ha! I am almost positive you would have written that quote on Facebook.

Speaking of Facebook, it seems a bit strange that you still have an account on there, but I never want it to go away. And while speaking of the internet would you mind giving me all of your internet passwords? so I could get into your email and blog, you know, to check for anything important, and I want Norah to have access to it all someday. I was able to break into one of your email accounts......sorry for that, but you are my sister so I knew what the answer was to your "secret question." Oh, and now there is something on the interent called Pinterest, it is a Crafters dream! You would have freaked out about Pinterest! In fact, you probably would have been the queen of Pinterest.

You know what else Norah can do? She can go pee pee on the potty! This had been a huge deal in our house! All she needed was a cupcake to bribe her, it only took us 6 months to figure that out, you would have known that instantly!

I am trying, trying really hard to love Norah like you would, but I know it is not the same...... You had such grace and patience, and the ability to laugh and love at things that drive me crazy. I hope you can give me a little grace too, it is not always easy.

As for me, I miss you so much! Please know how proud I was of you, of your love for the Lord, your love for Norah, you were a wonderful sister and mommy! You were such a beautiful women, I wish I could have told you a million times over! I miss hearing your voice and your laugh, I miss having a sister that had a child, now I am the only one in the family with kids. Yeah, I don't think you ever pictured me with 3 kids either. Who am I suppose to chat with about cute girly things for our daughters? and who I am suppose to justify buying expensive leg warmers to?

You have touched so many peoples lives, just like your brother Darren. Thank you for serving Jesus on earth and leaving and example to all. I wish you could see the impact you left, it has been so great, you have touched people who didn't even know you, isn't that amazing!

How is Darren by the way? It must be so nice to see him fully healed, and dad too! Have you met my baby yet, did we have a boy or girl? I think it was a girl. I am sure you are doing a great job taking care of her. I am jealous you get to be with them already.... but I hope it is a while before I join you all.

Jordan missws you too, he doesn't say it as much, but I know he does.  He started a disco cab business with Kyle, and I know that doesn't surprise you.

I think Danae misses you more than anybody else though. You saw her all the time, you were such a great influence on her and I know you were so close to one another. Danae and I are working on getting close again, thank you for reminding us how important family is. We are trying to mend things, to remember you, to move on, but you will always be here in our hearts. You will always be here, in Norah. 

Our lives will never be the same without you.

Last night as I was having trouble sleeping, the one thing that kept coming to my head over and over was this,

"No guilt in life, No fear in death,

this is the power of Christ in me.

From lives first cry, to final breath,

Jesus commands my destiny.

NO power of hell, no scheme of man

can ever pluck me from His hand.

Till He returns or calls me home,

here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

I am so thankful you are completed healed and with our Savior. Just remember, it is not good-bye forever, just good-bye for now.

I love you,

Jenni