Thursday, August 23, 2012

On mourning

It is sometimes unbelievable for me to think of where my life was just 18 months ago.  Sometimes I have a hard time even remembering.  It has been hard for me to remember certain things about Maya when she was younger, just recently I was looking at some old photos of her, when it was just our little family of 3, it made me feel a little sad, like so much of that life has been completely wiped away and forgotten.  It feels like it was a different life, and it kind of was.

Because so much has happen so quickly I haven't had a ton of time to process and truly mourn losing Carrisa, losing my sister.  I have moments of overwhelming sadness, moments where I can hardly mourn my own loss, because all I can mourn is Norah's loss. I knew Carrisa longer, I knew much more about Carrisa than Norah will ever remember, but I feel like Norah's loss is so much greater than mine.  There is just something about children who lose their parent that hits really hard. I mean, I know what it is like to lose a parent , it is just something I would never ever have imagined or wanted my own children to have to endure.  I know Norah has Brett and I as her parents now, and that is very special, but there will be a time when she fully realizes what she has lost, and it isn't fair. It is not fair that she lost her mom at a young age, it isn't fair that she won't have memories of her, so much isn't fair, but is it just life in a broken world.

As a parent, you just so deeply want to absorb all the heart break that your child may endure.  You just want to take away all the pain and hurt.  It is so hard for me to know that this pain is coming for Norah someday, when she can fully grasp all that has happen.  I hate knowing that my child will have to go through this, it breaks my heart........

It also help me to understand God a little more though.  How his heart breaks when we are sad and hurting, He is our father and cares about us and loves us and it makes him so sad to see us hurting, we are his children.

I see the innocence and the tenderness in this little Norah face.  It just makes me want her to be a child forever and not ever realize the pain that can come along in the world.....


  1. Dear Jenni,
    You are an amazing creation of the Lord. While you live "inside" your may be a bit easier for those outside to see a big picture. I see God's complete Handiwork. He gave, He took and He has provided. How very proud God must be of you, His see that you care so much. He made no mistake here. As you raise Norah...You, Brett and sisters will envelope her in this amazing place of love that you provide. Love is of God...and you have mountains of it. Perfect love casts out ALL fear. Try not to question yourself. You are in the CENTER of THE PERFECT WILL OF GOD. You can rest in knowing that you operate under an amazing BLESSING! This is the ordained will of God and what is more than that?
    While we are all concerned for our future and the future of our children/grandchildren...God has All of us in His hands.
    Jenni...God allows what He allows for our strengthening to ministry. You cannot take the pain, if in fact there will be any, from the PLAN that our Lord has for each of us. Rest not in grief or it's messages of despair...but rest in His HOPE...that He does all things well for His own. He has blessed you and He does not curse what He has blessed!! Pray for the covering of the Blood of Jesus and the Holy Spirit today, and for the future of all 3 girls.
    This is the only key to any future for our kids for the place where experience meets Mission. Your Dad and Mom both recognized this and it ran their days.
    As Children of the Most High we, hopefully, learn to step into the place of peace where our minds are staid on Him and it's all going to be okay.
    What may sound like a sermon here...are just the lessons learned. In all circumstance we lean totally to Him and not to our understanding. That is where he directs us.
    YOU, my incredible, sweet cousin are doing an excellent job!!

  2. jenni, what a testimony you are to staying faithful to God in every & all circumstances. you are amazing dear friend!! the other day i read this quote by luci swindoll and thought of you guys.... "we have been given a responsibility to live life fully, joyfully, completely, and richly, in whatever span of time GOD grants us on this earth." you are living so strongly & sweetly for your girls!!


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