2 years {Advent Activity # 11}

What do you do on days like this?.......

stop.

think.

breathe....

remember......

It's been 2 years, people may have forgotten, but I haven't, nor ever will.  Dec 11th will always be one of the most defining days of my life.  And even more for this sweet girl

She brought this to show-in-tell

Last year I wrote this letter to Carrisa.  I re-read it today, and for a moment, just a moment I felt like I was really talking to her.  So for me this is one of the best ways I can process, to think of her, to reflect on the year, to breathe and to remember.  So here is letter # 2.

Dear Carrisa,

More time certainly separates us now, but certainly not any less love.   

How are things in heaven?  We really miss you here, even after 2 years things aren't quite the same without you.  You brought so much unity and love to our family and life, we are all forever changed now.

Are you shooting some hoops with Dad & Darren?  I can't remember the last time I even picked up a basketball, don't tell them though because I am sure they would be thoroughly disappointed.  I am listening to lots of John Mayer today (you're welcome).  We also sent you 5 balloons, one from each of us, did you get them yet? Did you hear Norah's sweet voice say, "I love you mommy, " as she sent the balloon?

And Norah, she is 3.5 now!  Wow!  It is sad for me that my time with her on earth has outweighed yours........  It sometimes feels like I took something from you, that you should have had, but I don't think you really think that.  From up there you have a different point of view, a different perspective, and I am sure you can see the larger plan at hand, that is one of the reasons heaven is so great!   You always had such a joyful and positive outlook anyway, miss that.

 At times I wonder how I could really miss you so much when your mini me, Norah, lives in our house! It is basically like having you all over again.  Oh, and she chopped off her hair, yep laugh with that laugh of yours, you knew it would happen.  And you would have laughed at the site, instead, I cried.

I wanted her first hair cut to be special, that special hair on the ends, that was from when she was born, when you were her momma..... but I guess in a way this was how her first cut was suppose to be, doing something EXACTLY LIKE YOU.

Norah got to be in Victoria & Brett's wedding in March.  Yes, they finally got married!! Victoria new that you would have been part of their special day and gave the honor of asking Norah to be the flower girl!  I was sweating bullets a on the day of the wedding, just hoping and praying Norah would make it down the aisle, and she did!  She ran down it!!

Norah also started preschool this year.  Her teachers just love her and tell me on a daily basis that they think she is sooooo funny!  Her imagination is amazing!  Norah pretends to be Rapunzel E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y.  She uses a long piece of fabric and throws it from the top of her bunk bed pretending it is Rapunzels hair and then just sings and sings Rapunzel songs.  I still think it is kind of odd that that was the movie we saw the night you died and now it is Norah's absolute favorite.  Did you go see it with her, I don't even know?

Norah also started ballet this year, I hope it wasn't a big dream of yours to have her become a ballerina, because you might have to get a new one.......  You know that imagination of Norah's I was telling you about?  well she uses it in dance class too, and is just completely in her own world doing her own thing, with no clue of what is going on around her......that's Norah!

I know your friends think of you often, even today they have shown their love and remembrance of you (even some of your guy friends, which makes my heart smile).   Your friends are great, they have been so kind to me, bringing me into their lives in small and meaningful ways!  I even got to hang out with Lyndsey this fall, it was such a special treat.  I often think that your death is harder on some of your friends than me, in a different sort of way, in a way that only a friend can be.  You lived your life with them, they were just as much your family as your family and now they don't have Norah near either.

Baby Sarah is a big 1 year old now!  She has a poof of hair and likes to organize.  I have a feeling her personality will be similar to Danae's.  Maya & Norah like to bicker often.  So it's like us three younger sisters all over again: Jenni, Carrisa, & Danae, reincarnated into Maya, Norah & Sarah.  I get to relive my childhood all over again, but in mom shoes (minus 3 other children and a trailer park).

Today is Brett's last day of college before he receives his bachelors degree!!  Can you believe it!  He finally did it, I am sooo proud of him and I know that you would be thoroughly sharing in this excitement with me!  You had has much faith and confidence in him as I did, in fact, I am pretty sure you really loved Brett as a brother-in-law.  You had a bit of a different connection with him than anyone else in the family, that is also missed

It must be nice to be so close to the Lord, to see his face, to be near His glory. This year I have been relying on him so much more than any other time in my life.  It's funny how being a mom does that to you, you suddenly realize all of your faults and imperfections as a human and really start to realize how much you need the Lord.

  No one will replace you Carrisa, your presence, your love, your laughter, and your joy.

At times it seems impossible to grasp.  At times I don't grasp it at all, I just want to hold onto it.... forever. 

Sometimes I just don't want to let go of you .

Time will heal our hearts, but time will never change our love as sisters.

I love & Miss you Carrisa

So on each December 11th we will send you a balloon, knowing that it is not really for you, 

but for us

to stop

to think

to remember

to breathe