allowing myself to miss her

I often tell Brett, "you're going to miss that about me someday" referring so some annoying habit I have, like not closing the lids on vitamins all the way.  He laughs, but then stops and says, "hey you're not going anywhere"

That comment of mine comes from the reality of missing those habits, those things that drove me soooo crazy about my sister, Carrisa.  I miss those now and would do anything to have them back!  Seriously, you can leave a mess and borrow my clothes any day Carrisa!

In the 2 years that have passed I have not allowed myself much time to just miss her.  Life has been busy, things get in the way, and most of the time I just miss Carrisa for Norah's sake.  But she was my sister, and lately I have just taken a few quite moments, to think about her, to love who she was and just miss her to the core.

I lived with her for 17 years, that is a long time, that is a ton of memories, ones that I will never truly have with anyone else.  We shared a bond of loss and love like no one else.  We shared the raw emotion of having our own child, and what it is like to be a mommy and be a sister. 

Carrisa was so thoughtful, when I was pregnant with Maya, she threw me a baby shower in California.  I will never forget it, all of my sisters, my Grandma, my aunt and my cousin and some very very special friends from growing up were all there.  It was a moment in time where I just remember feeling so loved and so blessed! It is a moment I wish I could go back to. I would tell Carrisa just how special she was, what a wonderful sister, what an amazing time, and how truly thankful I was for her.

  sf

 

She was the only sibling to come visit me after Maya was born.

She just loved Maya so much, she would continue on and on about how Maya was the cutest baby she had ever seen (even though Maya slightly resembled an old man). Even after Norah was born, Carrisa would still talk about Maya being the cutest baby ever, just wish she could have seen Sarah :O)

I don't ever remember Carrisa ever complaining about Norah, about the lack of sleep or the emotional wear of doing it all alone. Having Norah just seemed to give her more life, and more love, despite so 

much of her pain

   

 Sometimes I have gone back and read a few things on her blog, but often it is so hard for me.  I can't even bare to read it.  I am sure sometimes things were very hard, she was a single working mom, with health problems, with a hurting heart.  Sometimes if I think about it to much my heart aches for her and all that she was going through, her heartache, her longing to get married, to provide Norah with a mommy & daddy that were together, just some deep sadness's that I wish I would have been a better sister to her for.   If I could go back, I would dig deep, deep into that year she had Norah, see what was really going on in her heart,  know how she was feeling, to know what the true pain that was inside.  On her last day on earth she wrote inside of a devotional, "remember there will be no pain in heaven."

Despite her pain and sadness she had such a hope, a hope of heaven, of Jesus.

I know I have posted this on my blog before, a long time ago, but it is very powerful.  It is from the devotion "Jesus Calling"  It is what my sister read the day she died.

"Your longing for heaven is good, because it is an extension of your yearning for Me.

The hope of heaven is meant to strength and encourage you, filling you with wondrous joy.

Many Christians have misunderstood this word hope, believing that it denotes wishful thinking.

Nothing could be farther from the truth! As soon as I became your Savor, heaven became you ultimate destination. The phrase hope of heaven highlights the benefits you can enjoy even while remaining on earth.

This hope keeps you spiritually alive during dark times of adversity; it brightens your path and heightens your awareness of My presence. My desire is that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

I carry this in my heart.  You ask, how does Jenni remain sane after the hard life she has had?

It is one word, Hope.   

And I hope and pray that even through this blog someone else can find and understand this hope we have.