Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Dear Carrisa letter # 3

You all knew it was coming, my annual letter to Carrisa.  I have written letters # 1 & #2 already and now I have to keep the tradition coming.  More for my own sake and therapy though.

Dear Carrisa,

I have had such a busy day, hardly 2 seconds to breathe until this evening.  But I am thankful for this evening, my time to just be quite to think of you again, to allow myself to fully remember you and to just take a moment and stop.

Today is December 11th, the day you left us 3 years ago.  I dread this day as it approaches, the memories that are triggered, and the emotions that come. I think back to that very last text you sent me, the one with Norah's social security number.  I remember as soon as I received that message I felt the urge to call you, but I did not.  A millions times over I wish I would have called you, to hear your voice, one last time....... I am sorry that I didn't sis.....

How has it been 3 years?  Does it feel long to you up in heaven? Or is it just like a flash, so quick that you can hardly grasp that you even waited for us to join you?

I don't know why this day, the day you left is harder than the dates our other family members left.  Maybe it is because more time has passed since they were gone, maybe it is because all of those other dates, Sept 22nd, and April 13, those dates have new meanings now (happy birthday Sarah & Maya), or maybe it is simply because your death wasn't just you simply leaving, because after all you left something behind.

Besides bringing Norah into our lives our family has evolved in so many ways!
We had another baby, ha!  Can you believe it?  I have 4 kids.  Continue laughing please, because I never pictured it either!  And do you know what is even more surprising?  We had a Boy! 
 Amazing, isn't it?  
His name is Levi Paul.  
He shares his middle name with dad.  
Tell dad sorry we didn't use his first name, but we could quite settle on a name like "Eugene", as classy as it is.

Dad actually told me in a dream that we were having a boy.  He almost laughing told me, "of course it's a boy, we have to have some sort of redemption in this family."  You probably knew that just as well though.  Speaking of dad, can you give him, Darren and Fran a great big hello and hug from me.

Man, it seems like every time we talk I have another baby, we should really talk more often, or I should really stop having babies, sheesh!

So now we are 3 girls and 1 little boy.  Levi is such a precious bundle, he continues to remind me of the joy and precious blessing life is! Sarah makes me laugh all day long.  Maya, she is in Kindergarten and super social with all kinds of boy problems.  Can you believe that she was only 2 the last time you saw her?  And Norah will start Kindergarten next year, I am only having a mild panic attack about that.

 I am sure you want to hear about Norah though, she is yours and always will be, but thank you for sharing her on earth, because our family needs her.   She fits in perfectly,  it is like she has always been here!  She has grown up so much and become such a great helper!  She just loves on her little brother so much,  she just wants to hug and squeeze and love Levi to death, much like you did to all of our animals growing up!  Now don't get mad sis, we all know that you loved babies and animals more than anyone else, but you had a hard time with something we call "gentle" and Norah got that skill from you  :O)

Remember how I told you about Norah's traumatic hair cut last year?  Yeah..... well she has done it 2 more times since!!! Can you believe it!  Go ahead and give me a gold star for mom of the year.  Do you have any advice for me on this one?  This is when I need you here, to get inside your brain, because it is just like Norah's and ask why?  Why would she keep doing this?  But then I remember maybe it's not so much a problem Norah has, but one that I do.  God is continually humbling me. 
But while your up there with Him, could you just please ask Him to give me a break on the whole Norah hair cutting thing?  I'm totally over it.

And you know what?  This morning, on the anniversary of your heaven birthday Norah came up to me and said, "mommy, I am really sad today....."  I wrapped my arms around her, waiting for her to say something totally profound, and then she said, " I am sad because I can't be Elsa from Frozen"  Oh Norah.......... She just wants to be a princess so bad.  She does have the whole, "her mom died" part of the princess story, like everyone else from Disney, she is just missing the prince charming thing, and the castle and a few other small details.  But on a day that my heart was feeling so sad, her comment made me smile and forget for just a second that she is still so young and doesn't carry the burden of your loss on her shoulder and I'm good with that for now.

Norah also got glasses, yep, I was shocked too!  I had no earthly clue!  I know I know, you probably would have figured that out, but I have this condition that keeps me from realizing all things about my kids, it's called "having a lot of kids."  
She looks totes adorbs in them though.  What? you don't know what "totes adorbs" means?  Ha, I forgot.  I think you left before that type of lingo started, but it means totally adorable!

Facebook is still around, of course, but earlier this year we noticed that you accepted a friend request from someone....... um super strange, Facebook has already made it's way up to heaven? Yeah, I didn't think so. We later realized that you had friend requested someone like 3 years ago and they finally accepted it, man were they out of the loop.

I miss you sis. 
I still feel so sad that you aren't here anymore.
I feel sad when I stare into Levi's tiny little face and know that he will never meet you.  I feel sad that you never got married, although I know that doesn't matter to you now.  I feel sad that Norah didn't get a chance to know you more, to remember the way you loved her.   I sometimes even feel sad when I am alone at home with the kids, knowing that the only reason I am a stay at home mom is because you are gone. I feel sad simply because I don't have life to share with you......

Although there are still many things that bring me sadness I do have a joy just knowing where you are, knowing that you are better and forever will be.

I wish could just stop time, 
at least for a while, 
then our time apart from one another wouldn't be quite so long,
 because 3 years seems to long now....  
It is time enough,
for others to forget,
to not remember you quite so much,
to lose the sense of who you were,
but not me, I won't ever, no time will ever change that.

So we sent your balloons

Did you get them yet?

Can you hear Norah's saying "merry Christmas mommy Carrisa?"

Merry Christmas to you Carrisa, I love you so much!

1 comment:

  1. oh my, tears and a loss of words is all i have......oh my. sending you lots of love and sweetness. i hear this all, each word.


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