I have been thinking a lot...... I mean that is what you do when you nurse in the middle of the night, you have a lot more time to think, to reflect, to pray. I have been thinking a lot about Norah.
I have been feeling sad that she has not had much time with just me. You see Maya had almost 3 years, and baby Sarah, well she gets every evening (and night) with cuddling and nursing after the girls go to bed Norah, well, she has never had that. She had lots of it with Carrisa, none with me. I am really thankful and glad she had that time with Carrisa, but it makes the bonding process between Norah and I a lot different.
I feel like it isn't fair to Norah. Where do we get that time? How do we establish that same bond? Every night I go into the girls room after they have gone to sleep and I just watch them. Sometimes I look at Norah and I just feel this really deep sadness for her, for her loss. I want her to know how much her mommy loved her, how much I love her, but can never take the place of her real mother.
I wish I could say that the instant Norah came into our home I bonded with her like she was my own, but it has not been that way. It has taken much longer, it has taken time and prayer and I feel like it is still a work in progress. I feel guilty like there is something wrong with me, like I could do better........ I love her so much and inside I feel like it isn't fair to her that it has taken more time to bond with her. The feeling has just increased now that I have had baby Sarah. I feel like it has already been so much easier to bond with Sarah, like the instant I met her we had this unbreakable connection. Sigh.............. I think the biggest hurdle for me, the reason I have not felt a true bond to Norah is the fact that I don't really feel completely like her mother, because inside I still feel that Carrisa is.
I am looking forward to more time at home
more time to be with precious Norah, to connect, to have a few minutes alone
and some time together
some time to just feel like I am her mommy
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Jenni..you are so hard on yourself. Lynae has struggled having two year old Josiah sandwiched in between James and Caleb. It has been really hard for her too. The care that James requires and the care the new baby requires just naturally puts Josiah on a back burner. Even if you were her "birth" momma...you would still be feeling some of this. It will come.God will bring this full circle. You will figure things out. Josiah started preschool. He is maturing. He is growing. He is doing better now. Things feel more peaceful. But it wasnt at first. Give yourself some time. You are still dealing with some emotional imbalance. It will smooth out. God will bring it full circle.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, congrats on baby Sarah! She is beautiful! Now, about your post ... :) I think that to some degree your heart will always hurt for Norah. She did lose her mom and you lost your sister. Every time you look at her, how could you not not miss your sister? How could your heart not hurt for Norah? God will rebuild but it's also ok to mourn that loss. Your connection with Norah will always be a little different than it is with your own girls because you knew and loved her mother, even though now you are her mommy. I am sure she will often wonder and ask about her mom and you will get to hold her and tell her all the wonderful stories about her. However, at the same time, you will be her mommy. You are the one that will kiss the owies and hold her in the middle of the night. Remind yourself that it's only been 7 months since Norah came home to you and all this will take time. Plus, let's be honest, those post-pregnancy hormones aren't doing you any favors.
ReplyDeleteAlso, as a middle child myself, I do think some of what you are feeling is just a middle child syndrome. The oldest gets attention because they are doing all the new things and the baby gets all the attention because they are the baby. I promise though, us middle kids do great in life and still love our parents very much!! And heck, we have the benefit of letting our older siblings make all the mistakes and we get to learn from them (hopefully).
God hand picked Carissa to birth and raise Norah and while He may not have planned her death on this earth, He did plan for Norah to be in your home, with your family. He knew Sarah would be coming, He knew it would all happen fast, and He will make it all work together for His glory. Don't let yourself jump ahead; kiss on those girls today and anytime the enemy tries to make you stress and worry about tomorrow, tell him to shove off.
I know I don't even know you but through your blog I see your heart. You are a great mommy to ALL your girls!
Thank you for sharing and being so honest. This brought tears to my eyes! You seem to be a wonderful mother, and Norah is SO SO SO blessed to be in a family likes yours.
ReplyDeleteAnd Congrats on your new baby, she's perfect!