I have been thinking a lot...... I mean that is what you do when you nurse in the middle of the night, you have a lot more time to think, to reflect, to pray. I have been thinking a lot about Norah.
I have been feeling sad that she has not had much time with just me. You see Maya had almost 3 years, and baby Sarah, well she gets every evening (and night) with cuddling and nursing after the girls go to bed Norah, well, she has never had that. She had lots of it with Carrisa, none with me. I am really thankful and glad she had that time with Carrisa, but it makes the bonding process between Norah and I a lot different.
I feel like it isn't fair to Norah. Where do we get that time? How do we establish that same bond? Every night I go into the girls room after they have gone to sleep and I just watch them. Sometimes I look at Norah and I just feel this really deep sadness for her, for her loss. I want her to know how much her mommy loved her, how much I love her, but can never take the place of her real mother.
I wish I could say that the instant Norah came into our home I bonded with her like she was my own, but it has not been that way. It has taken much longer, it has taken time and prayer and I feel like it is still a work in progress. I feel guilty like there is something wrong with me, like I could do better........ I love her so much and inside I feel like it isn't fair to her that it has taken more time to bond with her. The feeling has just increased now that I have had baby Sarah. I feel like it has already been so much easier to bond with Sarah, like the instant I met her we had this unbreakable connection. Sigh.............. I think the biggest hurdle for me, the reason I have not felt a true bond to Norah is the fact that I don't really feel completely like her mother, because inside I still feel that Carrisa is.
I am looking forward to more time at home
more time to be with precious Norah, to connect, to have a few minutes alone
and some time together
some time to just feel like I am her mommy