Saturday, July 21, 2012

dream a little dream

So I have these occasional dreams about Carrisa.  She is there and alive, but there is a sense that she is out of place, or we are all so surprised to see her.  I have even had one where she is in the process of dying and over and over I keep trying to get to her, to ask her if she wants me to take care of Norah, but I can't ever get to her....   Tormenting, I know.

One of Carrisa's friends has had dreams about her all well, similar in the sense that Carrisa is there, but somehow out of place.  But she has had one dream where we are all there, me, Carrisa, & Norah, and in the dream Carrisa is totally ok with me being Norah's mommy.  It was so nice of Carrisa's friend to share this with me, and actually was very reassuring and comforting for me to hear.  Sometimes God can speak through other people.

I know in my heart that Carrisa is not upset we have Norah, that she probably had several people she knew could have taken care of Norah and we were one of them, but for me there is this gift I really would like to give Norah that I can't.  I really wish I could tell Norah that her mommy Carrisa said, " I want Jenni and Brett to take care of Norah forever."  That I can't ever give, and never change.

 I think it is easier for people on the outside to look in and know this is what Carrisa wanted, than it is for me to fully know.   I live with Norah every day.  I make mistakes. I feel inadequate, and I am inadequate without the Lord.  I have learned more about relying on the Lord in these last 10 months than my entire life.  When I was trying to do it all on my own, I was continually frustrated, impatience, and worn out.  When I started to seek the Lord when I didn't know what to do with my girls I started noticing huge changes! especially in Norah and especially in me.  I am not Norah, I don't know her heart, but the Lord does and He is helping me to better understand it and better know how to respond to her and my other children.  I still have moments where I don't respond like I should, I am human, and emotion can overtake me at times. I do have to ask for my children for forgiveness and it is not always easy.

The Lord has given me this job, to Sheppard my children's hearts, to Sheppard Norah's heart, and I feel honored.

I will always miss her so much though

1 comment:

  1. You are doing great Jenni. And I'm sure Carissa looks down on you everyday as she sees you shepherding Norah's heart. You are giving Norah the greatest give you could give - she has a piece of her mom living through you! Who else could know her mommy like you? Keep seeking the Lord Jenn. You are doing it!


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